A Failed Comic Career

Imagine me up on stage being a complete nutcase. You don’t have to imagine that for a while. Here are some “jokes” that have been rolling around in my head. Because I’m a comic “genius”…

I used to work in the hotel industry and had to research a lot of fancy luxury hotels and things like that. A lot of times, I’d come across words like “family get togethers” or family getaways…now I don’t have a family by choice and I always hear people bitching about theirs. So–reading that, wouldn’t you want to getaway from your family? That’s what that sounds like to me. A nice, relaxing get…AWAY!!!!!

My mom was a big influence in my life. I don’t know if she or I knew what exactly she was influencing, but I don’t think that matters.

I have a big problem with food. You know that diet–the eat everything diet? I’m a believer in that. I was a vegan for 9 or so years and now I’m making up for it. And I can’t believe it because I would always say no to meat and now if I see it I have to have it. I dream about it, I hoard it. I actually yell at my boyfriend if he tries to take my meat. But it’s not a problem if I take his. But I’m selective, you know, I won’t eat at McDonald’s for instance. But you can’t really call that meat anyhow.

My body still has issues processing milk though–I always wondered who was the crazy bastard who put that udder in his mouth for the first time. Cuz you know a woman wouldn’t do it. Women are too cautious. It’s like “hey honey, I’m riding this mechanical bull drunker than a monkey who just snorted horseradish!” We smart, uterus-having folk say “ok go ahead”. Many women are very reserved, very cautious. I know I am. In real life. This, me up on this stage? This is not real life. But in real life, it’s hard for women to say what they really feel–they are afraid they won’t get taken seriously, or won’t get a promotion or endless reasons why they won’t bust out and dance on a table. And that is my philosophy for why women drink. I drink, heavily. I’m a beer and sangria girl. I feel it’s best to stick with a couple things and do them right.

I was in a sorority–where drinking is both a sprint and an endurance trial. Every night when we’d go out we’d drink like 8 shots of 151 and run outside in our little halter tops and heels without jackets in negative 7 degree weather. Are ya’ll aware of the term “drinking jacket”? You can’t find it in any store and it’s a figment of your drunk imagination.